11 Reasons Not to Visit Wind River Country

There are no lines long enough to check your work email

I mean, seriously. You have my pumpkin spice soy latte ready already? How am I going to get any work done on this vacation?

People climb cliffs and ride bulls here for fun

Two climbers on a wall in Sinks CanyonBad Boys of Bullriding rodeo. Photo: Jennie HutchinsonWhat’s that about? That’s way too adventurous and thrilling for me. I don’t even want to watch.

You can’t dance like the locals, but they’ll make you try

Dubois Square dancingCountry swing is an athletic venture that requires keeping a beat. I feel like Willard in the original Foot Loose. And now I have to add in geometry?

I’m sorry, if you’re going to drag me to the middle of a dance floor, you all better have a good reason for deciding to hold my hand.

There won’t be another total solar eclipse here for 176 years

Three boys watching the eclipse on the lawnI’ll be headed to Antarctica in 2021, thank you very much.

The open road is so cliché

Two scenic roadsIf I’m not in a gridlock, it must not be worth it.

It’s pretty much impossible to be a humbug about winter here

Backcountry skiing, Dubois. Photo: Jared SteinmanTrust me, I’ve tried. Everybody keeps inviting me to go learn how to skate ski or explore the backcounry on a snowmobile or catch a big ol’ lake trout. Even the sun won’t help out by hiding. It’s sunny like 235 days of the year.

Nocturnal flying squirrels

The Sinks at Sinks Canyon State Park. Photo: Randy WiseNeed I say more? Stay away from Sinks Canyon State Park on Halloween and Friday the 13th, that’s all I can say.

There is hardly any gold left

Panning for Gold in Willow Creek

The gold rush was so 1870s. You can only find the occasional nugget or flake now.

You will be forced to unplug and listen to local FM radio

I don’t know about you, but I believe the whole point of getting away is staying in touch. I know Mr. DJ thinks I do, but I really don’t care to learn about local events while I’m here, and … wait a minute … is that Madonna?

You feel kind of silly when you ask if the meat in your sammy is local

Brunch burger at the Trailhead RestaurantDon’t look at me like that. How was I to know beef is done well (but not always well-done) pretty much everywhere here?

Locals wave to strangers

Road biking near South Pass City. Photo: Jennie HutchinsonIt’s like the friendly small town really exists. It’s probably a ruse.